Four Gospels walk into a bar. Relax! It’s 2024 so Christians drink. And you don’t know, maybe they’re bar hopping evangelists. Jesus himself frequented places inhabited by sinners.
Matthew comes in with bell bottoms and a mullet, of course with his own flare, always trying to reinterpret the retro. Luke enters finger pistoling a few folks in his rolled up flannel showcasing his colorful sleeves. Mark, the eldest of the quad, short and stocky, strolls in donning simple clothing not worth mentioning. John, always late, arrives last and with his staple three piece Jordan Petersonesque suit.
The four perform the ritualistic greeting of three-pat hugs and fist bumps, sit at the old wooden table in the corner and order: Matthew some wine, red; Luke, a locally brewed IPA; Mark, a whiskey; and John, a vodka martini.
Matthew: It’s been a while, guys!
Luke: You ain’t shittin’.
John gives him the side-eye. He didn’t really approve of Luke’s free use of language, but don’t worry; Luke has worked out theologically why it’s okay for Christian to cuss.
Mark: Well, let me be the party-pooper because I don’t have all day. Let’s get to it. Matthew, in your text you mentioned rehashing the resurrection. That was an insane Sunday. Changed everything!
Everyone nods in agreement…perhaps for the only time.
John: I remember it started early with Mary Magdalene arriving at the tomb.
Matthew: Mary Magdalene and the other Mary.
Mark: Yes, Mary Magdalene, Mary the Mother of James, and Salome.
Luke: Salome was there? I know Joanna was there with the Marys. Some other ladies too.
Matthew: What are you talking about? It was just the Marys.
John: No, just Mary - singular!
Luke: Does it really matter who was there first?
John: Well it kind of does, Luke.
Luke: It was some ladies. At least no one is saying it was Peter. I heard that firey little preacher Paul say the resurrected Jesus first appeared to Peter.
Matthew: I’m sure Peter was the one who told him that!
Everyone laughs.
Mark: The sun had just come up as…
John: It was still dark outside.
Mark: It was early but not that early, John.
Luke: It doesn’t matter, bro. It was early when they got to Jesus’ tomb. Dude! Could you imagine their heads exploding when they get there to find the massive stone moved out of the way!
Matthew: Geeze! I know! What were they thinking on the way? Did they think they could just muscle the thing from the entrance? It had to weigh a couple thousands of pounds, you think?
John: It really freaked Mary out. She was convinced someone body-snatched Jesus. That’s why she took off to tell Peter and that other guy Jesus-loved-a-lot about it.
Mark: That’s ridiculous. First of all, because I think it does matter, there were definitely more women than just Mary Magdalene, and none of them ever said a word to anyone after what they saw.
Luke: You’re right Mark.
Mark: Thank you.
Luke: Just about the women, bro, because they did end up telling the disciples.
Matthew: Hold on. Hold on. Are you guys all saying the giant rock was out of the way when they got to the tomb? Did you fools miss the earthquake?
Mark, Luke, John: Earthquake?!
Mark, Luke and John laugh assuming Matthew is joking.
Matthew: I’m serious! When the angel broke through the heavens it caused an earthquake. Yeah and he proceeded to power roll that sucker out of the way and then sat down on it. What do you think: the stone rolled itself out of the way?
Luke: And you're saying the ladies saw all this?
Matthew: Of course! How else would I know about it? How could they forget an angel-caused earthquake?
Mark: First off, if the ladies told you about an earthquake they were smokin’ something or were just messing with you. You’re pretty gullible. The three of us would remember something as monumental as an earthquake. And you said an angel rolled the stone out of the way?
Matthew: Yep! He was the one who told the ladies Jesus had risen.
Mark: There was no angel.
John: That’s right; there were two angels.
Mark: Maybe you’ve had one too many martinis, John! There was no angel. Just a young guy in a white robe sitting in the tomb.
Luke: You’re right Mark, no angels or angel, but it was TWO men. Yeah, and they were sporting some kind of super bright lightening-like clothing. But, they were not in the tomb when the ladies got there. They spontaneously appeared after the women entered the tomb.
Matthew: A man or even two men, for that matter, couldn’t roll a stone of that size out of the way. It was definitely an ANGEL, because that’s what spooked the guards protecting the tomb - leaving them trembling! A couple dudes wouldn’t scare trained soldiers.
Luke: Matthew! Shut up!
John, Mark: There were no guards at the tomb.
John: Even if there was an earthquake it couldn’t have been caused by the angels. They didn’t appear until after Peter and the loveable guy had already visited the tomb and had headed back to Jerusalem. Mary saw the angels ‘cause she was still hanging out at the tomb trying to figure out who stole Jesus.
Matthew: Okay, we can disagree about whether it was angels or men, multiple or singular, but we are in agreement that someone explained the empty tomb to the women and then encouraged them to go tell the disciples about it.
Mark: Yes, the young man told the ladies what happened and told them to report the events to the disciples, but…and this is big but, they never said anything to anyone!
Luke: You got it backwards Mark. The men explained the empty-tomb situation to the women but never told the them to relay the info to the disciples.
Matthew: Then how do you explain the ladies going and telling the disciples what they’d experienced?
Luke: I didn't say they women didn’t go tell the disciples. I’m just saying the two men didn’t tell them to. I think the experience of the event itself would have led to talking about it.
Mark: Why am I having to repeat myself? Yes, the young guy told them to go tell the disciples, but they NEVER said a word. They were terrified.
John: You guys have your timeline wrong. Mary already told Peter and the love-pudgy guy Jesus’ body was missing before the angel appeared. In fact, Peter and the other guy had visited the tomb and left before the angel showed up.
Mark: John, seriously? Peter never visited the empty tomb that Sunday.
Luke: No, Peter did go to the tomb, but it was after the two men manifested and told the women to tell the disciples.
Matthew: No Luke, Mark’s right. Peter never went to the empty tomb.
Mark: Thank you!
John: Let me finish with the timeline! After Peter and loverboy had come and gone the angels show up but all they do is ask Mary why she’s crying. After that, Jesus appears to Mary and HE is the one who tells her to report things to the disciples.
Mark: They never said a word to anyone!
Luke: Jesus never appears to just Mary.
Matthew: He did appear to Mary Magdalene but she was with the other Mary, and they were already in route to tell the disciples about the resurrection.
Luke: The resurrected Jesus first appears not to Mary or Marys but the two bros on their way to Emmaus. I think, uh, one of their names was Cleopas.
Matthew: Huh?
Mark: Emmaus?
John: Cleopas?
Luke: Yes! Jesus’ first post-resurrection appearance was to the Cleopas and the other disciple on their way from Jerusalem to Emmaus. Remember, he explained to them everything that was happening regarding the resurrection?
Matthew slides his eyes over to Mark and then to John, but they’re as lost as he is.
Luke: …Not ringing a bell? And they didn’t even know it was Jesus until he broke some bread at dinner? When they realized it was Jesus, they turned around and went back to Jerusalem to tell the Eleven they’d seen Jesus. While they were telling the Eleven about their experience that’s when Jesus shows up in front of all of them.
Matthew: Jesus never appeared to his disciples in Jerusalem! The angel specifically told the Marys Jesus would meet them in Galilee, ninety miles away!
John: Actually, he did appear to them in Jerusalem and only later to a few of them in Galilee. Remember, Thomas wasn’t there when Jesus showed up, and when the others tried to tell Thomas about it he was like, “Uhh yeah, okay guys. And I just shared a blueberry scone with Moses over a couple of lattes.” But then a week later Jesus shows back up to Thomas and he’s like, “Tommy boy, stick that index finger right here in this hole!” And he facepalms Thomas revealing his wound. Best burn ever!
Luke looks to Matthew and Mark for some help.
Luke: What the hell are you talking about?! Yes, Jesus shows up to his disciples in Jerusalem not Galilee, but he appeared to all Eleven. Thomas was definitely there.
John: No, no, no…Thomas wasn’t there.
Matthew: I’m pretty sure Thomas was there the first go around but I’m CERTAIN, after appearing to the ladies on that Sunday morning, the next time Jesus appeared to his disciples was on a mountain in Galilee.
John: Wrong Matthew! It was in a room, in Jerusalem because they were hiding from the religious leaders.
Luke: Yeah, but that was after he appeared to the two guys on the road to Emmaus. They were the first ones who saw him, not the ladies! The women only saw angels.
Mark: LISTEN! No one saw Jesus. Not the ladies, not Peter, not Cleopat or whatever his name was and not even Thomas. He didn’t appear to anyone…and I’m done with this conversation because you guys keep going on about who told who what and I’ve told you from the beginning the ladies didn’t say a word after their experience at the tomb. They were too scared. I’m done with this.
Mark throws back the last ounce of whiskey and storms out of the pub.
Luke: What’s his deal?
Matthew: Ahhh, don’t worry about him. That’s just Mark. But I want to go back to what you guys were saying. Jesus first appeared to the Eleven…
John: The Ten…no Thomas.
Matthew:...in Jerusalem? Are you serious? Both the angel AND the risen Jesus himself told the women to go tell his disciples to head to Galilee because that’s where they would see Jesus.
Luke: Matthew, you gotta be kidding me, bro. The disciples never went back to Galilee. Even after Jesus took off into the sky they stayed in Jerusalem worshiping. I mean wouldn’t you if you’d seen that!?
John: Luke, you’re only partly right, and by partly I mean just a small percentage. Here’s the timeline again. After Mary, and only Mary, ran into the risen Jesus, she went and told the disciples who were hiding in a room in Jerusalem. That same day Jesus appeared to them in that room - minus Thomas who he appeared to one week after that in the same room with the others - still in Jeruslaem. And then, I’m not sure how long after, he appeared to Peter, Thomas and about five others at the Sea of Galilee in Galilee because they’d returned to fish there.
Luke: No they didn’t. How could they go back to fishing after seeing the resurrected Christ!! And, by the way, Jesus never made it back to Galilee. He took off into heaven from Bethany, just outside Jerusalem.
Matthew: Huh? No, he definitely appeared to his disciples first on a mountain in Galilee and that was, by the way, also the last time he appeared to them!
John: Are you guys sure we are talking about the same event?
Luke: Are you F-ing kidding me? You are talking about the Son of God resurrected from the dead! How many times do you think that happened?!
Matthew: Yeah, J. It’s kinda THE cosmic event. The most significant moment in history!
John: Yeah.
John stares at his glass swirling his last bit of martini. Matthew pulls out his phone to check his messages. Luke stands up.
Luke: I’m going to go play some darts.
Luke exits.
