I begin my explanation of disbelief with, what I consider, a major and fundamental problem with the whole of the Christian doctrine and narrative. It’s simple, almost too simple, childlike, basic, maybe even trite, but it’s a problem for which I’ve never heard a satisfactory answer…a question quickly dismissed, perhaps because it is too problematic. It is for me. I refer to the issue as The Problem of Presence.
The Problem of Presence:
As a Christian I believed a relationship with God, the loving Creator of the entire cosmos, was the single most important aspect of all existence; both my temporal and eternal peace hinged on my relationship with him. High stakes indeed! Failing to foster this divine-human relationship was not simply missing a golden opportunity I might later regret. Nope…I’d be missing out on the essence of everything!
Then where is he? Really! I know…such a basic question, but that’s the point. God should begin the process of revelation to his dearly loved Creation by showing up. If Communion with the Father is fundamentally the most important thing, not just for me, but for every human living and dead then where is God? According to Christian doctrine God is all-powerful. He has the ability to show up...not disguised as a man, not in the beauty of a sunrise, not in the arms of a loving friend, or in the camaraderie of Christian community.
Rip the damn sky open or split the earth apart and descend upon us in glowing unmistakable holiness declaring, “I’m here! I’m God! You need me! I want a relationship with you! Ask me anything! What can I do to help you know me!?” (Yes, with exclamation marks after every statement). If he truly is an all-loving being with unlimited power who knows how desperately we need him then he should be around more, at least on the weekends…but he is not!
And Jesus…?
“Wait!” you say, "He has appeared in Jesus!” If I remember correctly, the people of Christ’s time executed him because they didn’t believe he was God or, at least, didn’t know he was God. Seems a piss-poor job of divine self-revelation.
“You don’t understand,” you might say, “God revealed himself in a homeless carpenter’s son and he willingly died as a ‘fraud’ demonstrating that he is not a God of coercive power, but of love who in his act of sacrifice reframed the whole power paradigm for humankind!” Well, that’s quite noble of him but it does nothing for the fading christian driving home after a late night of bar-tending sincerely shouting from tortured depths into the night abyss, “Where are you? Just show the fuck up! Just show the fuck up!” If he had, indeed if he had, I would not be typing this post.
The argument of God revealed in stories about a first century Jew, whose remaining “biographies” come decades after his life from second-hand witness who disagree about the foundational narrative details does little to answer the divine void.
A Personal Parallel
My marriage didn’t end well, and if you were to hear the story, I’m the antagonist. I won’t argue with the casted role. During this time, many of my former community might have characterized me as an asshole. I was told to my face that I was “A bad father, a selfish and wicked person.” Okay; fair enough.
Yet even then, guess who showed up to every one one of my sons’ events - Every. Single. One. (Except when management scheduled me to work and I couldn’t find a co-worker to take my shift.) I even snuck into my former church and hid in the corner shadows to watch my children perform Christian skits. Why? Because in my own broken way, I do love my kids and I want a relationship with them, and relationship requires presence! Please, do not take this example as a feeble attempt to salvage a soiled reputation. Take it for what it is: a selfish, asshole, wicked father who showed up, in person, physical, visible, no mistaking it. But God, the selfless perfection of love, won’t.
Unloving or Non-Existant
You and I did not choose to be here on planet earth; we didn’t decide to be born. Most Christians would say God orchestrated your birth, my birth. He didn’t ask us if we wanted to exist. Instead, of his own perfect volition, he placed us here fully aware that the state of our eternal soul, the soul he fashioned, would depend upon on a relationship with him. This God who knows us so intimately, who knows the number of hairs on our heads (Luke 12:7), also knows a physical, visible, tactile, undeniable appearance would baptize our doubts…would rescue our unraveling faith and lead us into the relationship he desires. Yet, he refuses such a simple and basic gesture as being present. Not very fair. Not so loving.
What’s more likely…God, Who IS Love, is in reality cruel.
Or
He is absent because he doesn’t exist.